I’m what some might call a “late bloomer” in this department! (so advanced in all others, I can assure you!).

It wasn’t until I was 35 that I had feelings for another girl and had to suddenly deal with what I considered to be THE worst issue that could have landed on my plate!

Born and bread serious, bible-believing, fundamental Christian, and then having chosen that for my life’s center – church, Christian community, church leadership, etc. etc. – to have this issue as MY issue was just the worst!

I’d had boyfriends, one serious, but they were few and far between, and compared to the intensity of what I felt for this girl, paled into insignificance.

For the first time I’d experienced powerful attraction and deep, undeniable – and beautiful – love.

Well, admitting to myself that that was what it was and that I might have the word “gay” applied to me was the first shocker! I was devastated, and there was NO WAY I was ever going to go down that path. It was just not an option. My family would be distraught and being a person who had always been wanting to maintain a good image to others, it would just not suit the person I was known as. What’s more, at that stage I never questioned the belief I had that homosexuality was not good by God.

Well, the heart has a funny way of not following the head. My heart did its own thing, despite my resolve. It stayed attached and deeply in love with my now girlfriend despite our best efforts. We literally emotionally wrecked ourselves over a period of about 2 years trying various strategies to break our love for each other – separation, no contact, going overseas, other relationships…….The culmination of that would have us on different sides of the world – her getting on with her “O.E” (Overseas Experience), and me with my “M.E” (Man Experience!) This was the “man plan”: I would proactively seek out a man with similar qualities to her, overcome the impact of my “awakening” with this girl, end up happy, my family would be happy, my Christian image would be saved – and what’s more, having kids would be way less complicated! (To be honest, I didn’t hold out much hope for the Man Plan, but I felt I HAD to do it).

But my new image became misery. Everything in life lost its meaning as I struggled to get on with it in the absence of the one thing that made my life amazing – a companion that I connected with and brought love into my life in a whole new way. Eventually I realized that I was living in this state on the idea that “they” might be right. In the midst of questioning what is right and wrong, how do we interpret the bible, whose interpretation is right, how can we know truth, will I ever find this level of connection again…? – I realized that I had to live my life by my own beliefs and convictions, and be true to them. That happiness and love is a rare thing and to deny it on someone else’s convictions was not smart.

MY convictions? Well, when hearing the myriad of testimonies of other gay people, who have tried so passionately to NOT be gay to only get the result of frustration and depression – I am convinced beyond a doubt that a loving God would not make that request of them, and that they should embrace their gay-ness.

As for myself, it’s hard to undo 30+ years of thinking, to go against the beliefs of a loving family and to join a misunderstood and often despised sector of society. I’m still in the process to be as happy about myself being gay as I am about gay people!! I have fears and insecurities. But one thing I know for sure – I am soon to be reunited with my girlfriend after way too long of being apart, and that feels all good! I only have to think back to my time of trying to not walk down this path, and I know this is the only path to walk down.

What is the truth? I don’t really know for sure. The truth I know is that I don’t like my life without her, and I have decided I don’t want to live my life without her. I don’t believe it is wrong, after spending countless hours considering/praying/talking/reading on the issue. The truth is, life is short, and life and opportunity were passing me by. The truth I have found is, friends and family – even God – are not a substitute for companionship, and being known and loved and doing life with a partner. The truth in my life is, I have tried to find that in a man and I’ve lived a life of not finding connection with a man. And yes, I could, maybe, find that next month, next year…..but more likely, since I’ve had more than 20 years of NOT succeeding in that, more likely I will remain alone. And I don’t want that.

I have someone who loves me. Who I love. Who makes me feel good and alive and happy. I have someone who understands me and challenges me and fits me. It was not my choice to find that in a woman. Who would choose that, with all it’s difficulties. But that is what it is. I am being true to what I feel, and what I believe is right for me. I love her and she loves me. I don’t like my life without her in it. I am open to being wrong. I will admit that if I find it to be true. If it is sin, as my family keeps on insisting (though I want to add, displaying love while holding that opinion), then the fruit will be bad, and it will not be a good and growing and satisfying life. But so far so good and I expect the future with her to be bright – albeit a bit different to the future I envisaged 5 years ago!

-HRR