So we all know this gay and Christian thing is a journey. We have read the accounts of different people taking all sorts of different times to come to a place where they can live with integrity within their sexuality. We also know that this looks different for people.

It is because we are all so very complex in what we bring to a decision that many times conclusions vary.  But I hope we also know that its OK to be different.  To be walking alongside folk who are all in different parts of their own journey.  It’s so good when those paths are parallel for a while, and we can feel the support of a friend with us. That is all so nice and good and don’t we all feel special and supportive and loving.

But what about when it’s your partner who is on a way different page, and it’s coming up to Christmas and you have to decide where to have family dinner!  Arghhhhhh…. That is bad timing – we are so not on the same page on this one!

So the way it worked with me was gradually I came out to self, then close friends, then strangers, then anyone really, then my family.  The family were the ones who it scared me the most to be honest with.

Gay in a Christian Family

It should not be that way in a Christian home.  I firmly believe that.  But Christian homes are made up of people, and as we have seen people can come from all sorts of points of view.

It is not only the fear of rejection that held me off fully coming out to my family for a long while, but also the fear that it would hurt them. I knew my family well enough to conclude that they may give me the “we do not approve of your lifestyle choice” line, and “you are never welcome here with your lover” – but there was no way they were going to cut me off.  (I know this is not the case for all of you, and I am sorry).

It’s like on a Nichollas Cage movie when the baddies have him and they can do nothing to make him give up the secret of the goodies except…bring in the family…(cue huge muscle bound man with no teeth and a baseball bat)  “We have your wife and sister in here”…(cue scream)… “now tell us the secret or we hurt them”.

There is nothing quite so motivating as family in distress to make you want to avoid it at all costs. Of course I am not Nichollas cage, so I could not find a way to save the day, keep the secret and get my family out of there unscathed.  So I had to hurt them. Ouch. But I was hurting myself so much by trying to be what they wanted (what I thought they wanted in my case), and was slowly withdrawing from them anyway, which was painful.  My movie has a happy ending…if somewhat drawn out. Ten years later I am a well adjusted (hmmm) happy homosexual woman who attends family Christmas with my partner. BUT….

Different stages of the Journey

My partner, having embarked on this journey far far later in life than I, has only really just got to the opening credits of her movie.  Her family are just a little bit less than distraught with grief (having had a year now to calm down) that their darling daughter is in fact a lesbian.  As if that is not bad enough, this Christmas she has dropped the email boom shell  that she may be visiting her home town with her partner. What to do in this situation? Being the said partner in this little drama is very difficult.

It’s a delicate negotiation process between my own internal apprehensions and opinions and the knowledge that this thing is a journey and in this case there is some very bad timing going on.  I am way ahead, she is behind me, and somewhere far off in the distance, only visble with the hubble telescope, is her family, just picking themselves off the floor from shock.

From the safety of my own family’s Christmas dinner table I can see that of course the only way forward is for her family to accept us and get on with living in harmony.  It is so easy to see!  It is a bit more tricky to climb down off my well-adjusted perch and see what it must be like for her and for them.

I have a few choices.  These choices are aimed at my partner and what sort of companion she has with her for this part of her journey.  This is because, as I see it, I have no choice with how I am to treat her family – I am to treat them with kindness and goodness and to try to get on with them in peace, even if I do not agree with them.  That is the right thing to do, no question.

First choice is to rant. I mean, big breath in full blown red in the face rant, all about equality, judgment, tolerance, love and the evidence of God in our lives all the while comparing and contrasting that to her family’s total lack of experience of being gay and obvious failure to demostrate even one iota (yep it’s a rant – “iota” only comes out in a rant) of Christian goodness, grace or mercy.  Exhale.

I could strut around, blah blah blahing about judgement seats and the danger of putting oneself in God’s place.  ”No condemnation” may get a mention, “tradition” and “interpretation” would be reeled off and “peace” would certainly be a headliner. I could demand that if she really loved me that she would not go to be with people who so obviously hated me and her.  Lets call that option A.

I want to say it first because, in all honesty, it is the first thing to come to mind. It wells up with ease inside me having answered these questions long ago myself with years of prayer and hurt. Option A looks likely when the reply to the email comes in as… “We really would prefer to see you without your partner, we don’t want to be in anyway condoning your life style” – arggggghhhhh!

Option B…Cue violins.
I could acknowledge that this is hard. That it would be better if we could have access to a wider family just as her siblings can. That I do not think it easy or not a worry that we can not attend a family occasion together but that I will give her time with just her and them to be able to walk the path just as my family and I did. I love her too much to have her choose.  Ohhh so scarficial so Christian and so lovely.

Now option B is something I could see Jesus might just be able to stretch to in this situation. It really represents the wise and good choice. As I am falling very short of this mark, being a non-god and all, let me recommend to all of you out there facing this same case of bad timing an Option C…..

C includes a semi-rant, but I think while probably not what God would do, does present a middle ground worth a mention.  In C, no hurtful names to the family who are just beginning the journey of undefined length and unknown end point.  They can not help that.

The rant is to be directed at the time and place we live in that it is acceptable for this to happen or for any person to be persecuted for who they love within an adult and consenting relationship. You might like to consider adding a tip of the oratory hat to those hindu men who find themselves in love with jewish women etc. You also might find this motivation to give to charities directed towards equality or join and activist group..help make a change (you may just talk about that.)

Moving swifty along the rant can also encompass a church which continues to allow this prejudice which directly results in family break down.  It is there the rant stops and softness returns.  An acknowledgement that your partner loves their family, that you (unlike them..said with a wry smile) will not put an ultimatum on the table.

You can put some sort of time frame to re-evaluate the situation, because actually it does hurt to be left out, and a family can continue to ignore reality even years down the track.  This you may suggest would need a slightly different approach (do not suggest what yet, but I have a few ideas), that could be arrived at as a couple.

Finish off feeling very pleased with yourself that you have ,in true Nicholas Cage-style, actually saved the day. Wave goodbye to your partner as they get on their way to visit the parents and happly go back inside, secretly glad you do not have to do the in-laws today. (There was a good episode of star trek on anyway.)

By Megan Ransley